Yesterday, while meeting with my wonderful therapist, I realized something. I realized, as I was telling her my wonderful plans of self acceptance and staying present, that I was doing NEITHER. In fact, I was doing just the opposite. Do you want to know how I freaking knew that? As I was telling her of my grandiose plans, I realized....I'm making plans. Plans. Remember, a few blogs ago, that I stated PLANS DON'T WORK? And yet, I made about a million. No, no. 5.
Plan One-Stay present, practice mindfulness
Plan Two-Start Yoga and meditation
Plan Three-Start running (reducing stress) Run enough to enter the 5k at Rhody Days
Plan Four-Blog (reducing stress)
Plan Five- Go to the grocery store, start eating better, and clean your house
Plan Six-Avoid relationships that cause you stress. Drop them like their hot.
I am not judging myself right now. Except that I am. How can I enjoy my now when I automatically feel like I need to do all those things before I can even start to feel better?
That sounds like failure tied up in a pretty pink bow.
So what to do, what to do?
To start with, drop the plans. All but one. Stay present. Be kind. And honestly, its working. Here's what I know so far.
I observe a thought. Objectively. It is my profession to observe behaviors objectively. If it can't be quantifiable, it doesn't count. Thoughts, objectively. Check.
I describe the thought. Learn everything I can learn about it. Examine it like I would some child's behavior.
I try my hardest not to judge it. And if (okay, when) I do, I notice that, and try not to judge my judgement.
Try this. What are you thinking right now. What does this thought look like, where is it? Why is it there? Are you passing judgement on it? Are you perseverating on something?
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Mother's Day is coming up. Trying hard not to dwell in my personal grief. Wish me luck.
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