May Day is the day for self love.

I am back. Two years later.

I want this blog to not be escaping my thoughts, but really exploring them. Giving them a voice. I so often beat myself up about every little thing I do and thought I think. I have realized in the last few weeks that I am very cruel to myself. {Think PINK-Hazard to Myself}.... It's not fair, and its not a healthy way to live. And I'm quitting that train of thought.

I am emotionally stressed. I cannot process my emotions appropriately and this has been manifesting into my everyday life. I'm not doing enough to help myself though. Previously, I was just digging deeper into this uncalled for despair.

In class today, we talked about a cycle. I am FULL of cycles. I'll get into that more later. This specific cycle starts at

LIFE/STRESS- Daily stressors that makes someone unbalanced and "out-of-wack"

this leads to...

PROBLEM BEHAVIOR- In my case, obsessive and pervasive thoughts which create a bout of self hatred and depressed feelings

which leads to feeling better about yourself for a while.

which leads to...

MORE SELF HATRED- because you failed again. And again.

which leads to...

A PLAN- I am going to be kind to myself. I am going to stop drinking today. It's a new month, I can change and eliminate any urge to do "problem behavior"

(this plan leads to failure, because most plans are unrealistic)

Which meets with

LIFE/STRESS,

and the cycle starts over.

Most people want to exit this cycle by eliminating the problem behavior. This is nearly impossible. This is like trying to put out a fire with a tear drop. Instead, preventing the fire to begin with would be the best bet. Eliminating stress from the get-go, or at least eliminating the guilt and self hatred can be the most effective way to break from the cycle.

I'm not sure I'm making sense. I'm trying to exit my own cycle with self-love and acceptance, as well as some practice with stillness and meditation to reduce the thought perseveration.

Today, I love myself.

I deserve happiness even when I mess up.

I know people love me and want the best for me.

I know I am forgiven and prayed for.

Today, I do not judge myself.

I am kind to myself.

I will not put myself down, or give myself shame.