Plan B- Wait, remember plans don't work?

Wow.

Yesterday, while meeting with my wonderful therapist, I realized something. I realized, as I was telling her my wonderful plans of self acceptance and staying present, that I was doing NEITHER. In fact, I was doing just the opposite. Do you want to know how I freaking knew that? As I was telling her of my grandiose plans, I realized....I'm making plans. Plans. Remember, a few blogs ago, that I stated PLANS DON'T WORK? And yet, I made about a million. No, no. 5.

Plan One-Stay present, practice mindfulness

Plan Two-Start Yoga and meditation

Plan Three-Start running (reducing stress) Run enough to enter the 5k at Rhody Days

Plan Four-Blog (reducing stress)

Plan Five- Go to the grocery store, start eating better, and clean your house

Plan Six-Avoid relationships that cause you stress. Drop them like their hot.

I am not judging myself right now. Except that I am. How can I enjoy my now when I automatically feel like I need to do all those things before I can even start to feel better?

That sounds like failure tied up in a pretty pink bow.

So what to do, what to do?

To start with, drop the plans. All but one. Stay present. Be kind. And honestly, its working. Here's what I know so far.

I observe a thought. Objectively. It is my profession to observe behaviors objectively. If it can't be quantifiable, it doesn't count. Thoughts, objectively. Check.

I describe the thought. Learn everything I can learn about it. Examine it like I would some child's behavior.

I try my hardest not to judge it. And if (okay, when) I do, I notice that, and try not to judge my judgement.

Try this. What are you thinking right now. What does this thought look like, where is it? Why is it there? Are you passing judgement on it? Are you perseverating on something?

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Mother's Day is coming up. Trying hard not to dwell in my personal grief. Wish me luck.

"it is said that the root of our discontent is self-absorption and our fear of being present. We can easily go from being open and receptive-an alive, awake feeling,- to withdrawing. Again, and again we run from discomfort and go for short term symptom relief, which never addresses the root of the problem" - Pema Chodron, Taking the Leap

Today was a much better day. I felt so alive and content. Every moment I felt my thoughts racing, I brought my mind back to now. I listened to the sounds around me, took 3 deep breaths, and felt my heart beat. I did this a tremendous amount of times. Just being aware of my patterns, and allowing them to exist without judgement is freeing.

I want to be present. I want to live in the here and now. Enjoy the moment I have, let my mind live in sync with my body. Chodron, in Taking the Leap, mentioned living in the presence and how hard it is for humans to do. Constantly we are rewinding to the past, or trying to predict the future. But what are we doing right now?

I was playing volleyball tonight and realized that while in activity, I am present. My mind is controlling my body, and my body is controlling my mind. I'm not reliving a conversation, or getting nervous about an upcoming encounter. I'm moving, analyzing, and truly living. My pain is there, but its not in control. What a wonderful feeling.

Presence. Here are some things that can help me become more present.

Pause. For three seconds. Throughout the day. Take deep breaths whenever you think about it.

Eat mindfully. I'm sure I'll blog about this later, but really sitting and enjoying everything I put into my mouth. Exploring where the food came from, the journey it took. What and who sacrificed so that I could fuel myself. Examining why I chose the food I did. Asking myself what hunger am I fulfilling? Sight hunger? Metabolic hunger? Organic hunger? Emotional hunger?

Food is personal and intimate. I have had such a strange relationship to food lately, and I would really like to be conscious and aware of what I'm putting in my body.

Think of myself as a close friend. I should be my best friend. I don't treat my best friend poorly. I say encouraging things, I check in on them. I worry about them and try to stay close with them.

How do you stay present? How do you enjoy the now?

May Day is the day for self love.

I am back. Two years later.

I want this blog to not be escaping my thoughts, but really exploring them. Giving them a voice. I so often beat myself up about every little thing I do and thought I think. I have realized in the last few weeks that I am very cruel to myself. {Think PINK-Hazard to Myself}.... It's not fair, and its not a healthy way to live. And I'm quitting that train of thought.

I am emotionally stressed. I cannot process my emotions appropriately and this has been manifesting into my everyday life. I'm not doing enough to help myself though. Previously, I was just digging deeper into this uncalled for despair.

In class today, we talked about a cycle. I am FULL of cycles. I'll get into that more later. This specific cycle starts at

LIFE/STRESS- Daily stressors that makes someone unbalanced and "out-of-wack"

this leads to...

PROBLEM BEHAVIOR- In my case, obsessive and pervasive thoughts which create a bout of self hatred and depressed feelings

which leads to feeling better about yourself for a while.

which leads to...

MORE SELF HATRED- because you failed again. And again.

which leads to...

A PLAN- I am going to be kind to myself. I am going to stop drinking today. It's a new month, I can change and eliminate any urge to do "problem behavior"

(this plan leads to failure, because most plans are unrealistic)

Which meets with

LIFE/STRESS,

and the cycle starts over.

Most people want to exit this cycle by eliminating the problem behavior. This is nearly impossible. This is like trying to put out a fire with a tear drop. Instead, preventing the fire to begin with would be the best bet. Eliminating stress from the get-go, or at least eliminating the guilt and self hatred can be the most effective way to break from the cycle.

I'm not sure I'm making sense. I'm trying to exit my own cycle with self-love and acceptance, as well as some practice with stillness and meditation to reduce the thought perseveration.

Today, I love myself.

I deserve happiness even when I mess up.

I know people love me and want the best for me.

I know I am forgiven and prayed for.

Today, I do not judge myself.

I am kind to myself.

I will not put myself down, or give myself shame.