Plan B- Wait, remember plans don't work?

Wow.

Yesterday, while meeting with my wonderful therapist, I realized something. I realized, as I was telling her my wonderful plans of self acceptance and staying present, that I was doing NEITHER. In fact, I was doing just the opposite. Do you want to know how I freaking knew that? As I was telling her of my grandiose plans, I realized....I'm making plans. Plans. Remember, a few blogs ago, that I stated PLANS DON'T WORK? And yet, I made about a million. No, no. 5.

Plan One-Stay present, practice mindfulness

Plan Two-Start Yoga and meditation

Plan Three-Start running (reducing stress) Run enough to enter the 5k at Rhody Days

Plan Four-Blog (reducing stress)

Plan Five- Go to the grocery store, start eating better, and clean your house

Plan Six-Avoid relationships that cause you stress. Drop them like their hot.

I am not judging myself right now. Except that I am. How can I enjoy my now when I automatically feel like I need to do all those things before I can even start to feel better?

That sounds like failure tied up in a pretty pink bow.

So what to do, what to do?

To start with, drop the plans. All but one. Stay present. Be kind. And honestly, its working. Here's what I know so far.

I observe a thought. Objectively. It is my profession to observe behaviors objectively. If it can't be quantifiable, it doesn't count. Thoughts, objectively. Check.

I describe the thought. Learn everything I can learn about it. Examine it like I would some child's behavior.

I try my hardest not to judge it. And if (okay, when) I do, I notice that, and try not to judge my judgement.

Try this. What are you thinking right now. What does this thought look like, where is it? Why is it there? Are you passing judgement on it? Are you perseverating on something?

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Mother's Day is coming up. Trying hard not to dwell in my personal grief. Wish me luck.

"it is said that the root of our discontent is self-absorption and our fear of being present. We can easily go from being open and receptive-an alive, awake feeling,- to withdrawing. Again, and again we run from discomfort and go for short term symptom relief, which never addresses the root of the problem" - Pema Chodron, Taking the Leap

Today was a much better day. I felt so alive and content. Every moment I felt my thoughts racing, I brought my mind back to now. I listened to the sounds around me, took 3 deep breaths, and felt my heart beat. I did this a tremendous amount of times. Just being aware of my patterns, and allowing them to exist without judgement is freeing.

I want to be present. I want to live in the here and now. Enjoy the moment I have, let my mind live in sync with my body. Chodron, in Taking the Leap, mentioned living in the presence and how hard it is for humans to do. Constantly we are rewinding to the past, or trying to predict the future. But what are we doing right now?

I was playing volleyball tonight and realized that while in activity, I am present. My mind is controlling my body, and my body is controlling my mind. I'm not reliving a conversation, or getting nervous about an upcoming encounter. I'm moving, analyzing, and truly living. My pain is there, but its not in control. What a wonderful feeling.

Presence. Here are some things that can help me become more present.

Pause. For three seconds. Throughout the day. Take deep breaths whenever you think about it.

Eat mindfully. I'm sure I'll blog about this later, but really sitting and enjoying everything I put into my mouth. Exploring where the food came from, the journey it took. What and who sacrificed so that I could fuel myself. Examining why I chose the food I did. Asking myself what hunger am I fulfilling? Sight hunger? Metabolic hunger? Organic hunger? Emotional hunger?

Food is personal and intimate. I have had such a strange relationship to food lately, and I would really like to be conscious and aware of what I'm putting in my body.

Think of myself as a close friend. I should be my best friend. I don't treat my best friend poorly. I say encouraging things, I check in on them. I worry about them and try to stay close with them.

How do you stay present? How do you enjoy the now?

May Day is the day for self love.

I am back. Two years later.

I want this blog to not be escaping my thoughts, but really exploring them. Giving them a voice. I so often beat myself up about every little thing I do and thought I think. I have realized in the last few weeks that I am very cruel to myself. {Think PINK-Hazard to Myself}.... It's not fair, and its not a healthy way to live. And I'm quitting that train of thought.

I am emotionally stressed. I cannot process my emotions appropriately and this has been manifesting into my everyday life. I'm not doing enough to help myself though. Previously, I was just digging deeper into this uncalled for despair.

In class today, we talked about a cycle. I am FULL of cycles. I'll get into that more later. This specific cycle starts at

LIFE/STRESS- Daily stressors that makes someone unbalanced and "out-of-wack"

this leads to...

PROBLEM BEHAVIOR- In my case, obsessive and pervasive thoughts which create a bout of self hatred and depressed feelings

which leads to feeling better about yourself for a while.

which leads to...

MORE SELF HATRED- because you failed again. And again.

which leads to...

A PLAN- I am going to be kind to myself. I am going to stop drinking today. It's a new month, I can change and eliminate any urge to do "problem behavior"

(this plan leads to failure, because most plans are unrealistic)

Which meets with

LIFE/STRESS,

and the cycle starts over.

Most people want to exit this cycle by eliminating the problem behavior. This is nearly impossible. This is like trying to put out a fire with a tear drop. Instead, preventing the fire to begin with would be the best bet. Eliminating stress from the get-go, or at least eliminating the guilt and self hatred can be the most effective way to break from the cycle.

I'm not sure I'm making sense. I'm trying to exit my own cycle with self-love and acceptance, as well as some practice with stillness and meditation to reduce the thought perseveration.

Today, I love myself.

I deserve happiness even when I mess up.

I know people love me and want the best for me.

I know I am forgiven and prayed for.

Today, I do not judge myself.

I am kind to myself.

I will not put myself down, or give myself shame.

Hello NORTH KOREA

helllllloooooo
this week went by really really fast!!!!
so let me recap it.

monday. mere and my last day in chungju, we go to lunch with erin and isaac and then we set out to go to Little Prince, a coffee shop that isaac and erin raved about. so we get a taxi and the guy firt takes us to Lotte Mart, apparently getting confused, and then calls the coffee shop, drives around for what seems like an hour, and heads out a dirty dusty road that obviously does not have a coffee shop on it.

oh but wait. it does. a beautiful modern coffee shop. that is completely empty of other guest. no kidding because its in the boonies right. it was very pretty, and very creepy at first. some guy ran to our taxi and carried our bags. it was obviously very awkward because we were the only ones on this huge property. he sits us down, gives us a menu, makes our drinks, and comes and talks to us in his cute broken english. and then he sits down next to us. his name is Legend. he pronounces it Regend. it was funny. then he drives us to the bus station. talk about service!!

tuesday we go shopping, again. after cody gets off work we go to Choenon. we get coffee and "dr. fish" where you stick your feet in this bathtub full of disgusting little fish and they eat all the dead skin...its really scary and gross, but pretty cool too. mere didn't really do it cuz she was so scared.

wednesday we go shopping, again again. grr...the clothes are just so cute!!! then cody and brad make me pork cutlets for my last night, i pack and go to bed.

thursday. we wake up at 6:15 to catch the bus at 7. we arrive in Seoul at 8, and get on the subway line. it was verrryyy confusing. then we are supposed to get off exit seven and see the Lotte Hotel. Exit 7...no hotel. we walk around for a minute, but its 920 by this time and we have to be there for the tour at 930. we ask, Lotte Hotel is a block away. but there is NOWAY to cross traffic. so we got a taxi. for a block. pretty ridiculous.

so we're starving right, we check in to the tour and it leaves at 950 sharp. sharp. so we have 20 minutes to find food in Seoul and be back in our seats. at 945 we finally found a Krispy Kreme, and the other end of the hotel. we are literally SPRINTING to catch the bus..but our tummys were satisfied.

so we go to the DMZ and it was SOOOOOOO cool. i mean really really cool. we have pictures of north koreans and we were taking them, and they were spying on us, and we got to see where they sit and talk rationally. this area is "neutral" but not really. there were a ton of rules like no ripped jeans, because the north koreans would use that as propaganda that south koreans are poor. and tennis shoes in case it get dangerous so people can run. there are also land mines all over so we can't leave the group. it wasn't as dangerous as it sounds though. just pretty cool.

so now i'm back, in the hostel. mere and i ate at pizza hut and now we're going to the seoul tower. i'm leaving for home tomorrow, so i'll see you all soon!!!!!

the weekend....in pictures

sooo, these pictures kinda are not the way i wanted them to be because i'm not very good at this but on saturday erin, mere and i went shopping. the fashion here is SO stinkin' cute, (you guys would all love it too) and relatively inexpensive, so it was a LOT of fun. then we met about 20 other meguks (american foreigners) and we drove for about 40 minutes to this tiny little town and they fed us traditional food (yum;) and we made arts and crafts, had tea, and watched a traditional concert

sunday we watched a 3 on 3 bball tournament all day. 3 balls Deep, our team, actually won the whole tournament. i kept score because korean girls aren't very good at it. it was a really fun day!

Thursday:

10 AM: go to korean hip hop.  three tall white girls are NOT good at korean hip hop.  we were a hundred steps behind and sweating and bouncing like idiots.  but  all the korean girls loved us anyways.  even though we disgraced their dance.

12 PM: went and ate Bimimbop.  Its rice and veggies with a frying egg on it.  it was okay... 

2 PM: then we went to the lake.  have i already talked about this?  mere and i fell asleep on the ferry.  hehe.

4 PM: mere and i took a nap.  for 3 hours

7 PM: raided erin and isaac's food cupboards 

8 PM: Erin and her director came and picked us up to go to Club 86 with her friends Woomi and Mary.  The two older korean guys bought us a BUNCH of beer.  i was getting soooo soooo tired.  the guys bought me coffee to keep me up.  then we went to NORABOMB...oh my gosh.  Karoke, korean style.  its in a private room with just your friends.  it was SOOOOOO fun.  i even did it.

3 AM:  went back home, tried to finish a movie, and passed out.

FRIDAY.

11 AM: went to a TRADITIONAL market, where they were selling a bunch of foods and other random Korean things i'm sure are useful to Koreans.  The market went oooonnn forever.  There was a stand with puppies and kittens and rabbits, it was that saddest thing i've ever seen...i wanted to buy them all and set them free.  

12 PM: lunch downtown with Ashley and Mary.  

2 PM:Then Mere and I got a taxi to Jung ANG ta.  the taxi driver taught us how to say it.  he was really funny.  he liked us a lot.  so we went to this park with these museums and statues and we sat by the lake and that was nice.  then we called our taxi driver to come pick us up.

4 PM: Nap.  Quickly.  Dinner near Isaac's school, with just Erin and Mere and I.  It was really nice to have time to talk just the 3 of us.

8PM:  Visit Isaacteacher's classroom.  they asked us questions it was really fun

10:30 PM: went out. very fun. very tired.  to JAZZ... amazing bar.  very cute.  i'm done now. 

 

chungju ju...like choo choo

here's a quick little post.  so yesterday mere and i came to chungju.  there was a little confusion in the train station because there is a cheongju and we didn't want to go there.....

so erin met us at the bus station and we went to her school and then went to this really great food place. we were the only ones there and the workers were VERY nice to us.  maybe cuz we were three american girls.  who knows.

then we went back to erin and isaacs apartment til they were done with work and isaac took us downtown for kiwi soju.  TASTY..

today we went to the chungju lake.  very very pretty.  mere and i both fell asleep on the ferry.  kind of embarrassing.  so we went home and took a llooooonnnnggg nap.  now we're making tea and toast.  wanna join?