the paradox of me.

lately, i've been realizing how polar opposite i am from myself. now take a minute and think about this....

you see, that song "hot and cold" is the story of my life. One minute I am hot about something and one minute i'm not. I think one way, act another. One minute I feel like a very established student with professional attitudes, and the other I'm this punk ass rebellion trying to hang around as many losers as I can (no offense to my loser friends...nothing but love)...

Another way this has come up in my life is through this blog. You see, one of my very very best friends is Allison. like you freaks didn't know that :)...we've been friends for a LONG time, and she might know me better than anyone!...but I have this ridiculous tendency to censor myself from her. She's just so good and nice and I don't want her to have to have a friend who curses and tries to smoke cigarettes (tries mind you, and fails completely because they're disgusting) and who kisses lots of boys and gets drunk and makes bad decisions. She doesn't deserve to deal with a friend like that. SOOOO, i don't tell her those things. I shelter the poor girl....

on a side note, I'm not always this "bad" person. a lot of the time i'm a good girl and i know why I need to be a good girl and I have a good relationship with God. Granted right now I'm pretty mad at him so its not like we kick it a bunch, but you know, its still there. It could not be but it is so whatever.

i forget where i was going with this.

oh ya, so i screen things from allison, much like i would from my mom. you should feel special allison. heres the twist, alli's mom suscribed to my blog. When i saw that I had a mild panic attack. Because well, I said fuck in two blogs and hell and other mean things like wanting to key a car (not that i would do it but its the thought that counts) and I was like "kathy's going to hate me and never let me hang out with allison again)... and so i called allison and told her to apologize to me....and then kathy unsuscribed ..........and i felt like a piece of shit again!!!

you see, i should feel special that someone cares enough about me to suscribe to my blog so they can read about my life. i should love that my friend's MOM is interested in my story. and what do i do, push her away because i don't want to be judged. i don't want to feel bad.

um....story of my LIFE.

for instance, I push people away instantly so that they won't push me away later. I have this friend who I've been hanging out with and he was like "stop trying to make me hate you, its not going to work" i thought that was interesting...what did i do to make him hate me?

i yelled at him a lot.
i constantly tried to tell him the bad things about me.
i'd make up these elaborate plans to hurt him and then tell him.

how messed up is that?

its because i think i have split personalitites. one minute i'm this, the next i'm that. i think thats wierd. and basically, kathy....read my blog. get to know the real me. thanks for wanting to.