this is me and fred in south dakota. i went to this theme park when I was a baby with my mom and sis and bro....and again now. i thought it was pretty symbolic. So i'm procrastinating right now. too much homework. ew ew ew.

good news is i feel like i actually have a grip on what to do. so THATS good.

and then my first semester of grad school will be over!!!!

i'm looking for spanish schools this summer, because i'm determined to learn.

did i tell you all (im not sure who reads this. mostly me and my sister probably. and mere is a follower. thanks mere)...anyways did i tell you that i'm reading Twilight in spanish? well i am. and i ACTUALLY understand most of it. seriously.

i would like to know what twitter is. i'm not going to do it. but i'd like to know what its about.

o ya, that first pic of me...this is me falling on ice. i was sore for 3 days. it hurt so bad, but i was laughing so much cuz i'm so clumsy lol. yes i said clumsy because i'm trying really hard not to say words like *stupid* *retarded* and *dumb*. i don't like those words anymore.

fuck is okay though. j/k.

rip gma

So I'm at the hotel in Newcastle. Mylee's finally asleep. I obviously have been having a hard time sleeping A. because i always do and B. because its an hour earlier here. so there's no way i'm super tired at 10:47 right?

I feel like we've been here for weeks, for months. Its so different from Oregon. Its just so different. To be honest with you, I don't know how Gramma did it. or anyone else that lives in Wyoming. I have to live in a town that has a coffee stand. And thats just the end of the story.

The memorial service was yesterday. I didn't think I'd cry, but obviously I did. Gramma and I had a special relationship that no one will know about. No one. And I just feel like my relationship with her was swept under the rug when she moved to Denver. All I hear about is "Denver Gramma"... so now there's "denver gramma" "grief-stricken gramma" and "my gramma". I really miss "my gramma"....

The two people that raised me are dead. It makes me feel so lost sometimes. I think really, I'm okay, and I'll be okay,..but I feel like a part of me isn't there anymore. Looking back at all the big moments of my life and it was me, gramma and mom. They're both gone...it makes me wonder who I am without them.

At least there's my sister. She means everything. She always has, but now moreso than ever. My heart breaks for her though. She hates it here and I don't blame her. Gramma never liked her. I can't even imagine Gramma not liking me. Mylee grew up thinking this. Its sad she feels like she has to defend herself. I'd feel like that too. Mylee would do anything for her family. More than me. More than JR. More than pretty much anyone. Its really stupid to think otherwise.

Mylee had Bob.
I had Gramma.
Neither of us had both.


Anyways, I'm really really tired of all this bullshit. I just want to be a normal kid doing normal things. I hope that happens soon. You know whats good though? Two of the people that would be the hardest to let go of have already gone. It can't get much worse.


I think its only gunna get better. One of these days I'll look at the postives of these things. Not right now. I feel justified in being angry. But one of these days.